I had an amazing experience yesterday. In order for you to understand the significance of it all, though, I'll have to give a little history. First, though, know that I tried for a long time to figure out what my totem animal was, without any success. I finally stopped trying so hard, deciding that when it was meant for me to learn of it, I would.

 

Anyone who has known me for awhile will know that I spent my adolescent years in foster care. Two and a half of those years were spent in a wilderness program called Seven Hawks. I've written some about my stay in Seven Hawks on my main blog for anyone who's interested.

In May of last year, my dad passed away. He was always very fond of feathers, because he believed that his mother (who died several years ago) sent them to him to let him know she was nearby. After his death, I started noticing feathers turning up in the strangest, most unlikely places. There was one wedged into the crank of our kitchen window one morning; there was no way it could have just drifted there because it had to be yanked out. Another day, I found one on the dashboard of my car - the windows had been rolled up, doors locked, alarm set. Shortly after that, I started noticing hawks perched on fenceposts and such on the sides of the road all the time. I assumed my dad had found a bird majestic enough to suit him and was winking at me as I drove my daughter to school or ran to the farmer's market.

Last month, I finally left Kansas and returned home to California. My friend Eldene flew out to Kansas and drove back with me. I have a Pontiac Grand Am, on which I'd put a tow hitch, and I was pulling a small trailer with all my worldly belongings. My car was not designed to tow a trailer, and so I was a nervous wreck about overheating the engine or damaging the transmission the entire way. I also have little quirks about driving in construction (particularly along those bloody concrete walls) that can induce great anxiety in me. Whenever I was getting a little bent out of shape about the car or the road conditions, we'd see a hawk or two, and I'd feel better. Again, I didn't make much of it, because I thought that my dad was following me home, making sure I made it safely. Hawks are also one of Eldene's totem animals, so it was natural that they'd be nearby while she was traveling with me.

So, fast forward to yesterday, when my daughter and I were on the return leg of our trip to Oregon. It was a 12-hour drive one-way, and I kept noticing, as I had on the way up there, that whenever I was feeling anxious about something, I'd see a hawk. It occurred to me that I'd been seeing them pretty regularly, even without Eldene in the car with me, and I began to wonder if perhaps this was my totem animal. I sent the energy out there, asking for a sign of some sort, something to let me know for sure (though, looking back on what I'm writing here, it seems I've been rather dense lately. LoL)

Within a few minutes, I glanced up and saw seven hawks circling the highway. Seven of them. I get a shiver even thinking of it now. And, as if there were any inkling of doubt left in my mind, a few minutes later, just as I managed to get my jaw up off the floorboard of my car, they did it again. Seven of them, drifting lazily around in the sky on the periphery of the highway.

I think I found my totem.